The movements of her head are restricted due to a bad sleeping posture the night before. She can only turn her head to face the right, but not the left. Her body aches terribly and she feels an impending need to type out her inner thoughts before she bursts from keeping so much to herself. Even a girl can't take that much, the constant thoughts that persist their stay in her head, thoughts that are not neccessarily sweet or nice, thought that are just provoking and unwanted for these thoughts complicate, confuse, and aggravate her exhaustion.
She taps her keyboard, head swimming with thoughts, but uncertain what to say on her virtual diary. She is well aware that her virtual diary is nothing secret. Anyone has access to what you write on your virtual diary, also better known as a blog.
One must be careful of what they say nowadays. Walls have ears, you are never alone...
Finally, she starts typing out her first sentence.
Dear Diary, I am tired.
She continues typing as words now flow freely and make they way out through her nimble fingertips as they tap the keyboard at a fast pace. The pace increases as her emotions boil at what she types. Each tap releases that wee-bit of tightness bounding her chest, each tap poking at the sea of emotions in her gut.
Tired of thinking of him so much. Tired of giving myself hope that perhaps someday, if I were good enough, he would return. I keep telling myself to move on. Move on already. I have wasted enough energy on him. There are still many fishes out there and I will not let myself stop fishing just because the one fish I have ever reeled in got lost back into that vast ocean. I will not wait like a fool upon that fish's return because there are better catches out there. The only thing is that that fish is my first catch; one to be remembered. My self-persuasions seem like empty words in my brain now.
Yet, I don't need to depend on him. Maybe it's just my hormones. Maybe I don't truly feel for him. Yes. It must be it. So I don't truly like him after all.
She smiled to herself upon making that statement. But her smile soon faded as she knew she was only lying. At that point of time, she would rather lie than to admit and suffer emotionally. But she could not force herself into believing her lie. It simply wasn't possible...
Who am I kidding. I have talked to Anastasia about it and to Belle... But the advice they gave is alot simpler said than done. "Give up" they told me, "Give up" I would love to. But how come I can't seem to accomplish it?
So maybe it takes time. How much time? How much time before I can actually move on? I feel so alone now. So in need of a soulmate. I am so very tired. So very tired...
I doubt he even knows I still feel for him. I was the cruel one who instigated the seperation, liked another guy, left him bare and empty. But I never forgot him. Does he not understand that I never really stopped liking him? Does he not get it? Why is it so difficult for him to see?
I know why. It's because he's eyeing some other girl with a pretty face, a sweet smile, delicate features and who is thin, slim and all that a guy would want in a girl. Who am I compared to her? Nothing. It's like comparing dirt dust to pixie dust. They are both dust but it is obvious which is better.
Her heart hurt bad at the harsh and painful reality of things. She knew nothing could ever be the same between her and that male. It hurt her to know. God seemed to know how she felt as it started to rain outside. Light drizzles turned quickly into a thunderstorm. The sky was a pool of darkness as the wind wailed long and loud.
I wish I had never been so silly as to give you up like that. I should have known better than to be so stupid and naive. But it's all too late. There's no point in bringing up the past. I have already crossed the point of no return.
Actually, I have moved on. I was slighly attracted to a guy I met rather recently. He's handsome, funny and nice. But upon looking closer, I realised that he resembled you a great deal. Similar eyes, tan skin, sharp nose, steady shoulders, fit body. Not only physically was he alike you, you and him seem to share similar character traits such as the way you speak, the way you are rather kept to yourself, yet wild and fun at the same time, the way I melt in the pools of your eyes when we actually establish direct eye-contact. And also, like you, I don't think I will ever have a chance with him...
She rubbed her hands to create warmth and smiled sadly at her computer screen before concluding her diary's post.
To everyone out there:
Please think carefully before doing anything. You do not want to have regretted doing it for once lost might mean never found. It is only when you have lost something so precious, that you know it's worth. So cherish what you have. Be thankful, be gracious. Thank God for giving it to you in your daily prayers. Thank your loved ones for their love. Remind them you love them everyday so you will not regret not doing so when they have somehow slipped away.
Roo to everyone: To all the people I love out there, I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!! EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND WITHOUT YOU, LIFE WOULD BE MEANINGLESS.
loving you all the capacity of my heart; my family, my relatives, my friends, people who have touched my life in one way or another. Thank you. =)
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